Why be a poet? As a full-time job it’s the closest thing there is to goofing off. Just being alive is part of your research. So you can act any way you want. Whether you’re surly and brooding or jumpy & loony, when people find out you’re a poet, it explains everything & they leave you alone. Just follow these simple guidelines & study the beautiful poem on this page, and you too can be a poetic genius, man!
(1) Dedicate your poem to somebody famous. That way, everyone will know you are a deep & important thinker.
(2) Always use foreign phrases. It shows you’re so smart. One languange isn’t enough to say what’s on your mind.
(3) Unfortunately, some poems rhyme. If you have to write one of these, it’s easier to pick the words first & find your subjest as you go along. Suggestions: eye, why, lye, pork pie, sci-fi, french fry.
(4) The more hopeless the subject of your poem the better. Here are some good topics for starters: hate, love, death, guilt, homework.
(5) Punctuation a problem for you? You don’t have to use ANY when you write a poem.
(6) Or use ONLY puntuation. Anything goes, man.
(7) The bigger the words, the better the poem.
(8) Use words that all begin with the same letter. People will be amazed.
(9) Here is one of the coolest poetic secrets of all: You don’t even need real words. That’s right. Just make ’em up.
(10) You can write anything you want and call it poem if you add a lot of space.
(11) Spell words any way you want. You are writing the meaning of life, not some dumb rule book.
(12) Repeat the same words over and over. Sounds deep, and it fills up the page.
Ok.. now see how we implement the tips above..
AUF WIEDERSEHEN, MY DUMPLING
By Talbot J. Davenport III
Dedicated to Albert Einstein (1)
It’s now the time to say goodbye…
Auf Wiedersehen. (2)
Auf Wiedersehen, my dumpling, goodbye.
Now don’t you cry.
It’s time for me to fly. (3)
I’ll be back in July.
Here, have a fry.
Your brain was as big
as a heart filled with love (4)
expanding in anguish and futility
your home was every
where in the no (5)
where of the universe
(7) perambulate through the door
retrogress to the future before
homeless happy hairy head (8)
the fears that we dread
Zong zing Zang (9)
noing Doing Poing
Gang ging gong going
I gotta leave now
I can’t be late.
Bizness (11) in Berlin
It just can’t wait
Keep my violin.
See me to the gate.
Auf Wiedersehen, my dumpling
Auf Wiedersehen. (12)
-Taken from “Bart Simpson’s Guide to Life”, 1993-